Bye Bye GrandMa

Give me a reason to believe that you're gone
I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong
Moonlight on the soft brown earth
It leads me to where you lay
They took you away from me but ...

It was a bright Tuesday morning when I stepped out of my train in Salem to board a bus to my native village, Vellur. It’s my Grandmother’s village where major part of my mid-school summer vacations was spent. The first time I went to that village was when I was four and for my grandfathers funeral. Due to some Family infighting, I was never there and I never saw any of them till then. I was told that while performing some ritual of dropping some flowers and rice over the Grandfathers dead body and I was screaming when I was taken around him.

This time I went for my grandmother’s funeral and I am sure this will be my last visit to that village. Definitely I was not screaming nor was I crying outside, yet some sort of sadness taken in to me. I am still in that state.

KMS Rajammal is the most affectionate and sweetest person I have ever seen. There are people who love you and you love some, but she is one person who shows affection to everyone. As far as I can remember, at any point of time, there will always be some outsider sitting and talking to the inmates as if they are one of them. "samii, kannu, vada eppada vende .." is the words I keep hearing from her whenever someone enters the house. She loved every one and all were very close to her. And these words were ringing inside my ears when I was doing my share of rituals over her dead body...

She really meant much more to me. She is the only relative in whose presence I was always absolutely comfort. I am never myself when I am with my relatives except for her. I still remember the days in my childhood when I got chicken pox, the care she and the other elders showed it to me. Will I ever get something like that again? I bet, never.

And she always stood by her grandchildren. I still remember the day when my father beat me for the last time. It was my 9th std winter holidays and I made a grave mistake in his eyes and as usual I felt I was right. I am sure any body in my situation would have done that. After getting exhausted from arguments and beatings from my father, I was crying in my bed, I felt the caring hands of her on my head. She pulled me out of my bed and was consoling me. I was defending myself saying I was right and even others were doing the same and my defense stopped there as I had nothing more to say. After I stopped crying, she looked into my eyes and said softly - “why do you think you are right just because u are doing what others are doing? Why do you think what you really wanted to do was wrong just because you will be the only guy doing that“. I had no answer that time. But these words got locked up in my heart till date, and influence my decisions. I definitely miss her, but she has given me what I needed to live alone.

This is not exactly and Eulogy or an ode to her. I came back to Bangalore this morning hoping that the last two days effect will vanish but it didn't. So in order to lighten up myself before starting my work, I decided to pour out my feelings to the one place I have in the recent past.

Ironically, today is my birthday and I am no mood to celebrate that. When people ring up and greet me, I don't want to show that I am down. Actually I am not exactly sad nor in the mood for celebration but in a vague feeling between them which according to my friend PV is called smashana vairagya!!!

Hope I will get over this soon. Any way…

Bye Bye grandmother. I will definitely miss you
in my good times and my bad times ...