Bye Bye GrandMa

Give me a reason to believe that you're gone
I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong
Moonlight on the soft brown earth
It leads me to where you lay
They took you away from me but ...

It was a bright Tuesday morning when I stepped out of my train in Salem to board a bus to my native village, Vellur. It’s my Grandmother’s village where major part of my mid-school summer vacations was spent. The first time I went to that village was when I was four and for my grandfathers funeral. Due to some Family infighting, I was never there and I never saw any of them till then. I was told that while performing some ritual of dropping some flowers and rice over the Grandfathers dead body and I was screaming when I was taken around him.

This time I went for my grandmother’s funeral and I am sure this will be my last visit to that village. Definitely I was not screaming nor was I crying outside, yet some sort of sadness taken in to me. I am still in that state.

KMS Rajammal is the most affectionate and sweetest person I have ever seen. There are people who love you and you love some, but she is one person who shows affection to everyone. As far as I can remember, at any point of time, there will always be some outsider sitting and talking to the inmates as if they are one of them. "samii, kannu, vada eppada vende .." is the words I keep hearing from her whenever someone enters the house. She loved every one and all were very close to her. And these words were ringing inside my ears when I was doing my share of rituals over her dead body...

She really meant much more to me. She is the only relative in whose presence I was always absolutely comfort. I am never myself when I am with my relatives except for her. I still remember the days in my childhood when I got chicken pox, the care she and the other elders showed it to me. Will I ever get something like that again? I bet, never.

And she always stood by her grandchildren. I still remember the day when my father beat me for the last time. It was my 9th std winter holidays and I made a grave mistake in his eyes and as usual I felt I was right. I am sure any body in my situation would have done that. After getting exhausted from arguments and beatings from my father, I was crying in my bed, I felt the caring hands of her on my head. She pulled me out of my bed and was consoling me. I was defending myself saying I was right and even others were doing the same and my defense stopped there as I had nothing more to say. After I stopped crying, she looked into my eyes and said softly - “why do you think you are right just because u are doing what others are doing? Why do you think what you really wanted to do was wrong just because you will be the only guy doing that“. I had no answer that time. But these words got locked up in my heart till date, and influence my decisions. I definitely miss her, but she has given me what I needed to live alone.

This is not exactly and Eulogy or an ode to her. I came back to Bangalore this morning hoping that the last two days effect will vanish but it didn't. So in order to lighten up myself before starting my work, I decided to pour out my feelings to the one place I have in the recent past.

Ironically, today is my birthday and I am no mood to celebrate that. When people ring up and greet me, I don't want to show that I am down. Actually I am not exactly sad nor in the mood for celebration but in a vague feeling between them which according to my friend PV is called smashana vairagya!!!

Hope I will get over this soon. Any way…

Bye Bye grandmother. I will definitely miss you
in my good times and my bad times ...

Identity Crisis

If you really know me well, please don’t read this post. I know people hardly read my blog and I really don’t care about what they feel as they are reading in my space(as advised repeatedly by my friend), but still u may change ur opinion abt me , if u read this post. So please please don’t read this…

If you really know me, then please don’t read any further, but mail me immediately to tell me what u know about me. Yes, tell me what u know abt me, what u thought abt me, what u think abt me, for I want to know what I am. I really want to know what I was, and what I am so that at least now, I will know what I am and can decide what I want to be…..

I am going nuts... I am going thru an Identity crisis. Yep. I thought I underwent one in my teens, when I was in the edge of deciding on something which would have changed my life drastically, but God was there with me and made me choose the right one. Or rather my intense faith and prayer would have made him to pull into his folds for sometime. But now, he is not even informed of what’s happening in my life.

I remember I was fine. I was feeling good with myself, had some good friends, had good fun, had some leadership qualities, had people who admired me, had people whom I admired, had people whom I helped in what they are now, had people whom I looked upon. I was fine.

Then I really don’t know what happened. I never noticed my fall. I never realized that I am going down. I never noticed that I am forgetting myself, Never noticed that I am loosing myself.
Now I am lost and I am lonely.

New Cook

Now I know what people managers mean when they say, new people in an organization get fresh ideas and bring abt changes ( though not necessarily good ones ) :). Me and my roomies were having a peaceful time. Staying in a Nice three bedroom house, found a dhobi, got gas stove … We used to cook whenever practical, esp in nights, else happily eat outside :)

My friend Sagar joined us from Noida and within two weeks he found a cook in our neighborhood who can cook for us breakfast and dinner. :) The cook is a Orissa guy, Claims to be better at Northi stuffs and ok at south indian items. So we appointed him in one month evaluation mode. Just three days over and food is not so great. It is manageable and not all my roomies have approved him as of now.

But as of now I am happy, not because of food, but I need not cook. Other wise everyday when I leave from office, the very thought of going home and cooking used to pain me. Now just sit and eat .....

:) saka

Blog is the reflection of mind. ???

I am not a blogger. First I am not regular, Second, nobody reads mine. :)

Started off as an anonymous let out for my feelings, during which I used to pour out things straight from my Heart (I mean mind too) without discretion. Later when I came to know that a few of my friends are reading this, I started using some discrimination here n there and that led to irregularity :) (that resulted in a totally anonimous blog getting opened !$!)

ok. The point is not abt my past, the point is me reading another persons blog (mind it, i am not using the word coblogger, -- descrimination effect!!)to know something about that person. What made me think that i will come to know about someone if i read their blog?. I remember, when PV started blogging (when rest of us were busy in our mundane lifes),

He used to advertise blogging in his own inevitable style, Talking only about the same topic continuously in all conversations, blogging blogging blogging.

"Blogging gives me an identity, I am more comfortable with the virtual world, the virtual world is more real, wanna know abt me, read my blog " were his dialogs, which for a change he really meant ;) . And that is true. Blogging really changed him. He grew, become a better person after blogging.

ok. Again I am deviating. The point is I wanted to know abt some one. Let us call the person as A (Guess B will be more appropriate!!!). And I came to know about A's blog. And being a s/w Eng, the curiosity of knowing things got into me and visited the blog and read the recent ones . Of course I found that a lot of commonalties do exist, reg reading habits, movies, and anand -movie music :) . But the i wanna know more about A. I know for sure it is of no use to know about A as our lives will never cross again. Still the innate curiosity made me read A's blog's archives!!!. Sat for 1 hr and read the archives(not all but did a browsing). End of which gave an insight abt blogging and how it really projects a virtual personality of oneself. But all said and done, it is what A decided to project as it was not just a personal blog and thats sums it all.

So decided to spend more time in reading others blogs , which i was neway doin when i was in my previous company but totally stopped after joining here.

Anyhow All the best for A to have a happy (blogging) life and the same to other bloggers in this wide www world.

Way to Go Saka :)

Being Lonely...

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I cant be there where you are
There is something missing in my heart

Not Sure why. But when ever i hear this song, i will hear it back2back atleast 5 times before I proceed further.

Is that because i am currently feeling Lonely ??? I Guess it is because I was, is and will ever be a lonely guy. One of my best friend is known for making just-like-that statements which he popularises and adds meaning after making it (is there a word for such people or such acts !!!) . One of his statements that will ever remain in my heart (sorry in memory) is - I am alone amidst crowds. It never troubled me then .Its not that i have no friends. Most of my best friends are in banglore and this is all i could have wished for during my college days. It is not that i am free or jobless. I am busy, ramping up in my new office and coping with new changes :)
And no financial problem or family problem .

Still .......

Currently hearing it for 8th time in succession. Hope i am not goin any nuts ..